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July 2012

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In which I debate Fact and Emotion, I talk of Nature and Hospital and An Introduction.

Sooo, maybe it's time to break in my new journal. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never write in it again. I'm fickle like that.
What to write, what to write...
Well. About me, I guess.

First the facts, then the gritty stuff. That's how I like to see things. Or how I try. Sometimes, I don't succeed. Sometimes, I get drawn in. The facts become blurred and seep into emotion.

The Facts:
I am 19, 20 soon.
I am female.
I was 5'4", last time I checked.
I weighed 8st 7lb last time I checked.
I was a student, but have had to defer for a year.
I have a condition called auto immune encephalitis, which means my immune system is trying to attack my brain.
I am currently on various medication for my condition.
I cannot currently walk.

The emotions:
I feel trapped.
I feel I have lost all my independence.
I feel torn.
I feel I can't do the things that will make me happy, because they will hurt other people.
I get angry easily.
I find my emotions hard to control.

Don't worry, it's not all doom and gloom.

I enjoy life. I enjoy doing things... Like, feeding horses, playing with my dog, going to the zoo...
Believe me, when you go through something bad and come out of it stronger, better... Having survived... You appreciate life a lot more. You love your grandparents more, realising perhaps they haven't got long left. You respect your parents and marvel at the love they have for you. You forgive your lover for all their faults or bad decisions, and they forgive you, because you can't face the thought of living in a world without them. You can't stand the pain or the loss.
I appreciate every minute I can be outside. I appreciate my moments alone. Hell, I even appreciate being able to get into the bath by myself. Everything is so degrading in hospital. You get stripped of everything you have, your privacy, your self respect... It's all so humiliating. Obviously, it's necessary though.

There, a perfect example of emotions blurring into fact. Fact, it's necessary. Emotion, it's degrading. Docs and nurses only try to help, to do their job. And us arsey patients don't make it easy for them.

I love nature. Fact or emotion? Love, an emotion. But it's fact that I love nature. I always have. I love the greeness of it all. The earthy colours. The shades that we've given fancy names, but really all it boils down to is... Greeness. Browness. Blueness, in the sky. Pinkness, redness, purpleness... All-sorts-of-ness in the flowers. Everything is so bright after being in hospital, I love it. I want to wear bright things. I bought a pair of bright orange trousers and wear them with pride.

"This is me. I am colourful. I am alive."

That's what my trousers say to me.

It's what nature says to me too, in the rustling of the leaves, the brightness of the sun, the bold colours of the flowers.

Hospital was clinical. Typical. White, but dull. Not bright. They tried to liven it up with strategically placed purple and blue, but to no avail.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps it's kind of an introduction. This is me. I am here. I am alive. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I am only human. I like to listen, I like to laugh. I have been through some things, maybe more than some, but less than others. I am friendly.



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Erm, thank you :-)
I've changed a lot, but hopefully this good one will stick with me...
Like I said, I've been through more than some, less than others... I think it depends on how you look at it, how you deal with it. And the magnitude of the situation, of course.
It's different when you don't want to die. I've never wanted that. I've always wanted to live. When you want to live, you have something to drive you. I can't imagine not being able to find the strength in anything to keep you going.
People can be cruel, but life is always beautiful x x