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Jul. 29th, 2012

<3 Bob Marley <3

May. 17th, 2012

Writer's Block: Toy Story

What was your favorite toy as a child? Do you still have it, or did it get lost (or sold/donated) somewhere along the way?

My tabby cat, small toy cat filled with beans. I took her eveywhere. She was called tabbies. I lost her at the end of my first year of uni during the moving process and haven't found her since =(

May. 14th, 2012

"Burning Bridges Shore to Shore, I Break Away for Something More"

I have no idea what I want to write, I guess I am just a little bored and feel like filling my time in by writing/typing here...

I went to physio today, and although sometimes I despair and think I am not improving, I am improving week by week. Even quicker now that I am using my crutches a little more. I am just beginning to learn to walk up and down steps with them. I can walk forwards for short distances, turn around and walk backwards on them. My legs are still bent at a ridiculous angle, but not as bad as they were in hospital. Physio is slowly working, and although some other people think that removable casts would help correct my legs, my physio doesn't agree. She says this would prevent them from becoming bent again, but so is the physio. She would suggest casts if my legs were getting worse, but they're improving.

I miss being able to walk a lot sometimes. I really should push myself and do a lot of exercise in the day. I really do want to get better but find myself procrastinating a lot. I miss being able to walk just down the road, or be able to catch a bus and go into town by myself. Apart from the whole "my-immune-system-is-attacking-my-brain-and-I-possibly-have-a-tumor-somewhere-in-my-body-and-I-still-can't-walk" thing, I am probably the healthiest I have been for a while. I do not suffer with anxiety anymore. I eat very, very well. I am no longer skinny and a bit pointy, even though I don't think I've gained an awful lot of weight, what I seem to have gained makes me look and feel a lot better.

I want to dance more than anything. Mosh and jump and "Pogo, Pogo, Pogo!!!" in the words of System of a Down =) I was never really much of a dancer, but I did like to dance stupidly when I was on my own. I liked to pace in my room and think about things. I liked to be fairly physical. I was never exercise mad, god knows I didn't have the energy back then to do much, but I reckon I'd be full of it if I was up and about now. I think I'll feel even better when I'm off the rest of my meds. I'm not on too high a dosage for any of them really, but some of them can be quite nasty and I'd rather not take them at all.

Oh god, and to be off the meds! To be able to have a drink! I never drank much when I was "well" because of my anxiety. But now the anxiety is gone, and though I won't be technically a teen for much longer I intend to behave like one to make up for lost time =)
And, as a typical teenager, we always want what we cannot have.

Other parts of my life are... complicated right now. My dad hasn't spoken to me in about a month. Apparently I talk to him as though he is "Sub human". Jesus, I was worse than this when I was anorexic. I actually have an excuse to be a little out of whack - massive swelling in my brain, hello?? He's doing the same thing he did to my Grandad who had dementia... just twisting everything, making him the victim. People have said to me "He was so good with you in hospital... I've never seen a father love a child so much". Pssshhhht. Funny how he was there when the professionals were there to see. Funny how he's not here when it's just me on my own.

Bridges are burning.

My Grandad died, confused but hopefully blissfully unaware of the contempt my dad held him in. He hated him untill he died. He hates him still. He has not shown one ounce of regret for not putting things right while he had the chance. Does he really want the same to happen with me? Does he really want that relationship with me?

"He's your dad, sometimes you have to back down".
Back down for what? I have apologised to him. I got a few things confused. I meant it when I said I was sorry. But I am not prepared to bow down to someone who demands me to. I respect and treat others with the same respect they afford me. I offered an olive branch. He rejected it. This conversation is over.

My mother continues to be a loving presence, my main carer... Yet also the most influential person in my life. I feel she has sunk her nails into me and I will have to rip them out of me one day in order to escape her clutches. It's going to leave some pretty deep marks. She seems to think she can control me. I think she wants to protect me and stop me from making mistakes that she made... But people can't do that, people need to learn from experience. It's no good warning people. They will not listen. People seek advice from others only to confirm their own ideas. They ignore any counter arguments. They seek only to support their views. They will always choose the course of action they feel is right, justified, regardless of what other people think.

"Don't get in touch with him. He's bad news."
But everything else screamed at me to e-mail him. To text him. It wasn't him that put me in hospital, for god's sake. Something is wrong here. Someone got the wrong end of the stick. Why is he the villain?

And so, here we are. A promise to be together, no matter what the cost. But will the cost be my family? Sacrifice my old one to start my own? I feel I owe my mother for all that she has done for me, and she has done some good things. But she has done bad things too. She has manipulated me and hurt me at times, to get her own way. She has to realise that this is my life, that I want him, and if she doesn't want to lose me completely she needs to let go.

Like I said, Bridges are Burning.

May. 9th, 2012

Writer's Block: Mirror, Mirror

Puss in Boots :-)

Cunning, mischevious, brave, clever... Also devilishly sexy (in the cat world).

In Angela Carter's version of puss in boots he helps his hopeless human friend attract a beautiful princess and save her from an evil husband. He is also a brilliant thief and very acrobatic, some skills I wouldn't mind having :-)

Writer's Block: Young and Old

Don't follow others, love your body, be confident and don't let anyone bring you down, least of all yourself.

May. 3rd, 2012

Questions I could ask many people in my life...

I need you.

Where are you?

Why aren't you here?

Apr. 30th, 2012

I Am An Oppertunity.

Hello, hello, hello...
I have no idea what I'm going to write. As with many things, I never seem to plan, I just seem to do. I am like an accident waiting to happen. Only a happy accident... An oppertunity more than an accident really. I do not like to see things in a negative light. I like to be optimistic. Glass half full and all that.

So yes. I am an oppertunity, waiting to present itself. When I put pen to paper, anything could come out of it. It is usually emotion based. It is always written in my own unique style, whether people like it or not. I usually find it beautiful, satisfying. It is always random. My thoughts are very disjointed. I couldn't write a proper story because I don't have the patience to plan. I don't have one idea to develop. I have emotions, I have impulses. I write about them, I act on them.

My disjointed thoughts are clearly shown in the way I write. Short, snappy sentences. Lots of punctuation to break it up. I love writing in bullet points, to get everything in my head down quickly before it slips away into the abyss of my mind.

Maybe, if I really focused, I could turn an emotion into an idea, and that idea into a string of ideas, and maybe I could join them together. Maybe I could create a story. But I have no inclination to do that right now. I am happy, I am content with my random ramblings. I am pleased with how they turn out. I am elated I can express myself in my way, I can force all these emotions through my hand into a pen and present them on a piece of paper. I can read over it, from a distance, pretend that it is not me at all. Pretend that it is someone else. I can evaluate it objectively. The emotions, the writing style. I can improve the writing, I can confront the emotions.

So, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Maybe I'll hunt around and find some of my writing and type it out on here. Maybe not...

Decisions, decisions,... I will make them when the oppertunity presents itself.

Just Some (edited) lyrics from Rizzle Kicks...

Miss Cigarette - Rizzle Kicks...

"...So Many people say, "why are you with her?"
And I'm like, "she's a damn good kisser"
She feeds my addiction,
She leaks something different,
The smoke from our last meeting has risen.
Keep her away from all the other boys,
'Cause you know she's every cutter's choice.
Always there when the cold nights are lurking,
Gotta keep hold of my Golden Virgin.

I think she's Good for me,
That's why I wouldn't leave,
She helps me get down when I shouldn't be,
She's there when I'm in need,
But she isn't cheap,
The last time I saw her,
Broski I couldn't breathe.
But they say she's bad for me,
But they say she's bad for me,
I don't think she's bad for me,
But it's a bit of a disillusion....

...I said I had to leave, I had to get away,
'Cause frankly when I'm not around her
I've seen better days.
Sometimes I demonstrate how to set it straight,
I filter out the bullshit and keep her
locked in case.
But when I'm chilling mmm she's always
on my mind,
I do have doubts but those doubts just
get lost inside.
I should respond in time but then I found out
the last boy she kissed just coughed and died...

M-I-S-S-C-I-G-A-R-E-T-T-E leave me be...

Can you please leave my vicinity,
Can you please leave my vicinity,
Actually wait nah I'll have another kiss,
Oh shit I'm in love with this chick
What is this it's
Straight Robbery.
She's always there when I'm by myself and
I can't remain solitary.
Babe honestly
It appears that you're bad for my health and a
quick way to poverty.
You went from my pal to my lover,
Now I see you outside with thousands of others,
But you're on my mind right now..."

*Not my lyrics, just lyrics that make me think... I am often in the habit of writing lyrics down that catch my attention =) Anyway, it's an epic song... listen to the full version*

Apr. 27th, 2012

In which I debate Fact and Emotion, I talk of Nature and Hospital and An Introduction.

Sooo, maybe it's time to break in my new journal. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never write in it again. I'm fickle like that.
What to write, what to write...
Well. About me, I guess.

First the facts, then the gritty stuff. That's how I like to see things. Or how I try. Sometimes, I don't succeed. Sometimes, I get drawn in. The facts become blurred and seep into emotion.

The Facts:
I am 19, 20 soon.
I am female.
I was 5'4", last time I checked.
I weighed 8st 7lb last time I checked.
I was a student, but have had to defer for a year.
I have a condition called auto immune encephalitis, which means my immune system is trying to attack my brain.
I am currently on various medication for my condition.
I cannot currently walk.

The emotions:
I feel trapped.
I feel I have lost all my independence.
I feel torn.
I feel I can't do the things that will make me happy, because they will hurt other people.
I get angry easily.
I find my emotions hard to control.

Don't worry, it's not all doom and gloom.

I enjoy life. I enjoy doing things... Like, feeding horses, playing with my dog, going to the zoo...
Believe me, when you go through something bad and come out of it stronger, better... Having survived... You appreciate life a lot more. You love your grandparents more, realising perhaps they haven't got long left. You respect your parents and marvel at the love they have for you. You forgive your lover for all their faults or bad decisions, and they forgive you, because you can't face the thought of living in a world without them. You can't stand the pain or the loss.
I appreciate every minute I can be outside. I appreciate my moments alone. Hell, I even appreciate being able to get into the bath by myself. Everything is so degrading in hospital. You get stripped of everything you have, your privacy, your self respect... It's all so humiliating. Obviously, it's necessary though.

There, a perfect example of emotions blurring into fact. Fact, it's necessary. Emotion, it's degrading. Docs and nurses only try to help, to do their job. And us arsey patients don't make it easy for them.

I love nature. Fact or emotion? Love, an emotion. But it's fact that I love nature. I always have. I love the greeness of it all. The earthy colours. The shades that we've given fancy names, but really all it boils down to is... Greeness. Browness. Blueness, in the sky. Pinkness, redness, purpleness... All-sorts-of-ness in the flowers. Everything is so bright after being in hospital, I love it. I want to wear bright things. I bought a pair of bright orange trousers and wear them with pride.

"This is me. I am colourful. I am alive."

That's what my trousers say to me.

It's what nature says to me too, in the rustling of the leaves, the brightness of the sun, the bold colours of the flowers.

Hospital was clinical. Typical. White, but dull. Not bright. They tried to liven it up with strategically placed purple and blue, but to no avail.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps it's kind of an introduction. This is me. I am here. I am alive. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I am only human. I like to listen, I like to laugh. I have been through some things, maybe more than some, but less than others. I am friendly.



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