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July 2012

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"Burning Bridges Shore to Shore, I Break Away for Something More"

I have no idea what I want to write, I guess I am just a little bored and feel like filling my time in by writing/typing here...

I went to physio today, and although sometimes I despair and think I am not improving, I am improving week by week. Even quicker now that I am using my crutches a little more. I am just beginning to learn to walk up and down steps with them. I can walk forwards for short distances, turn around and walk backwards on them. My legs are still bent at a ridiculous angle, but not as bad as they were in hospital. Physio is slowly working, and although some other people think that removable casts would help correct my legs, my physio doesn't agree. She says this would prevent them from becoming bent again, but so is the physio. She would suggest casts if my legs were getting worse, but they're improving.

I miss being able to walk a lot sometimes. I really should push myself and do a lot of exercise in the day. I really do want to get better but find myself procrastinating a lot. I miss being able to walk just down the road, or be able to catch a bus and go into town by myself. Apart from the whole "my-immune-system-is-attacking-my-brain-and-I-possibly-have-a-tumor-somewhere-in-my-body-and-I-still-can't-walk" thing, I am probably the healthiest I have been for a while. I do not suffer with anxiety anymore. I eat very, very well. I am no longer skinny and a bit pointy, even though I don't think I've gained an awful lot of weight, what I seem to have gained makes me look and feel a lot better.

I want to dance more than anything. Mosh and jump and "Pogo, Pogo, Pogo!!!" in the words of System of a Down =) I was never really much of a dancer, but I did like to dance stupidly when I was on my own. I liked to pace in my room and think about things. I liked to be fairly physical. I was never exercise mad, god knows I didn't have the energy back then to do much, but I reckon I'd be full of it if I was up and about now. I think I'll feel even better when I'm off the rest of my meds. I'm not on too high a dosage for any of them really, but some of them can be quite nasty and I'd rather not take them at all.

Oh god, and to be off the meds! To be able to have a drink! I never drank much when I was "well" because of my anxiety. But now the anxiety is gone, and though I won't be technically a teen for much longer I intend to behave like one to make up for lost time =)
And, as a typical teenager, we always want what we cannot have.

Other parts of my life are... complicated right now. My dad hasn't spoken to me in about a month. Apparently I talk to him as though he is "Sub human". Jesus, I was worse than this when I was anorexic. I actually have an excuse to be a little out of whack - massive swelling in my brain, hello?? He's doing the same thing he did to my Grandad who had dementia... just twisting everything, making him the victim. People have said to me "He was so good with you in hospital... I've never seen a father love a child so much". Pssshhhht. Funny how he was there when the professionals were there to see. Funny how he's not here when it's just me on my own.

Bridges are burning.

My Grandad died, confused but hopefully blissfully unaware of the contempt my dad held him in. He hated him untill he died. He hates him still. He has not shown one ounce of regret for not putting things right while he had the chance. Does he really want the same to happen with me? Does he really want that relationship with me?

"He's your dad, sometimes you have to back down".
Back down for what? I have apologised to him. I got a few things confused. I meant it when I said I was sorry. But I am not prepared to bow down to someone who demands me to. I respect and treat others with the same respect they afford me. I offered an olive branch. He rejected it. This conversation is over.

My mother continues to be a loving presence, my main carer... Yet also the most influential person in my life. I feel she has sunk her nails into me and I will have to rip them out of me one day in order to escape her clutches. It's going to leave some pretty deep marks. She seems to think she can control me. I think she wants to protect me and stop me from making mistakes that she made... But people can't do that, people need to learn from experience. It's no good warning people. They will not listen. People seek advice from others only to confirm their own ideas. They ignore any counter arguments. They seek only to support their views. They will always choose the course of action they feel is right, justified, regardless of what other people think.

"Don't get in touch with him. He's bad news."
But everything else screamed at me to e-mail him. To text him. It wasn't him that put me in hospital, for god's sake. Something is wrong here. Someone got the wrong end of the stick. Why is he the villain?

And so, here we are. A promise to be together, no matter what the cost. But will the cost be my family? Sacrifice my old one to start my own? I feel I owe my mother for all that she has done for me, and she has done some good things. But she has done bad things too. She has manipulated me and hurt me at times, to get her own way. She has to realise that this is my life, that I want him, and if she doesn't want to lose me completely she needs to let go.

Like I said, Bridges are Burning.


The thing about burning bridges is that there is usually water running beneath. Sometimes it might just be possible to douse the flames before the bridge is utterly destroyed...
Your mum has to learn to let go.
Your dad needs to man the fuck up and accept things the way they are.
As for you...don't change. There's absolutely nothing wrong with who you are and how you are. Once you are walking again and able to be more independant, you will probably start seeing who is genuinely supportive of your decisions and who is trying to control you.
Either way, you're a fantastic person and you deserve the very best quality of life. x x x x x